When to Marry

What is the right time to get married? The easy answer is: When you're ready and when you want to. Obviously, this would require you to have a willing partner first.

YOu might say "aha, that's where things get complicated." But I say, if they're complicated, as in -- the relationship between the two of you is complicated, complex, up and down, or otherwise not fairly simple and straightforward, then the answer is usually pretty clear.

It's that simple. If you don't want to get married to the person you're dating, and I believe that you should know a definite 'no' if not a definite 'yes' within three months or so, you should move on.

But back to the subject of when to get married. Maybe I need to rephrase the question. How do I know that it's time to get married? And I'll repeat the answer: it's when you're in a relationship that brings you up and your partner up and never down, when you're with someone who supports and respect you and with whom you feel confident. Someone motivated and who acts on their motivations. Take love out of this equation. Love is important but it should come after the other criteria are met.

Who To Marry

Look for a guy that you get along with, that you feel comfortable with, with whom you can KISS-- Keep It Simple, Sister! Someone that you respect and with whom you feel confident and free. Someone motivated. Someone kind. Other things willl fall into place.
You're on the right track by not dating people who you don't intend to marry, but don't limit yourself to people who are seemingly list-worthy. I would never have married my wonderful spouse if I had to list the criteria he encompases.

The Void

The VOID is what happens when you break up with someone. It's almost inevidable. When you're in a relationshp, the other person creates a little niche for themselves in your life, in your schedule, and often in your heart. And then all of a sudden you break up with them and there is this vaccum staring you in the face. A black hole. A void.

The void can happen even after a short, responsible relationship. It definitely happens after longer ones.

At the precipice of the void is a dangerous place to be, not because you might get sucked in, but because you can't see beyond it. But there is a beyond, so make plans to get through it. After a breakup, there comes an hour of the day when you are bored or lonely because it's an hour you've gotten used to filling with your ex. Resist the urge to call them up and see if they're lonely too. It's irrelevant. Fill the time with something else. Go to the mall, get coffee with a friend, whatever. Fill the void with something else. Eventually you'll start to feel the light at the end of the tunnel.

A wise friend of mine once said "I'm giving myself a week to mope." THIS IS GREAT ADVICE. Often, if you give yourself some self-pity time, it won't even take a week.

I once had to launch a campaign against an ex to keep myself from forgetting why I broke up with him in the first place. It was because of his grunts. He was a great boyfriend, but what I was looking for was a great life partner, and this guy didn't fit the bill because he just didn't give enough respect to any of my interests that didn't intersect with his own. So when I'd talk to him about them, he'd, at best, grunt. At worst, he'd tease me about them. I wrote MSG on my hand to remind me about his monosyllabic grunts. I wrote it on my bulletin board. I used it as a profile picture on my networking sites. I surrounded myself with this campaign so as to avoid falling into the void. And it worked. Every time I wanted to make contact with him, I had a visual reminder of why he wasn't for me in the long run.

Marraige Material

Most of the people I've dated in my life are basically good and even marriage material-- but they weren't for me.

How did I know? Well, after being in a really horrible relationship for nearly three years (this was, unfortunately, my biggest learning experience and this guy did not fall under the 'good for someone else' category at the time I was dating him, at least), I had a pretty good idea of what was bad dating material, what was really important, and what things I could be flexible about.

Most importantly, the guy had to be interested in marraige from the start.  I'm not talkign about 'oh, maybe in three or four years' or 'I see marraige in my future' or 'when I get a better job and an income.'  No. I mean someone who believed that they would be better off married  at that time and who just hadn't yet found the right person.

Also non-negotiable was that I had to be comfortable with him and him with me. This seems obvious but it's actually a lot more common than you think for people to be uncomfortable with their partners.  Being comfortable with someone means not having to think twice about calling them on the phone. I'm talking about the dating stage here. Obviously, if you know that your significant other is in an important business meeting or in trying to focus on writing an exam, you're not going to pick up the phone.  What I mean is (c'mon, you've all been there) is 'what will he think of me if I call.' Then there's the waiting by the phone for a response. No. Nada. A guy I met on the plane (actually I was spelling out my woes to him about that no-good relationship I was describing above) said to me "we only want to be with people who want to be with us too." Simple yet profound, and really not taken seriously enough in choosing a spouse or a partner.


Next, the guy had to be dependable.  My husband is what I call a time optomist.  He always thinks he has more of it. This leads to being late and a lot of rushing around.  Still, he's what I consider dependable. When we were dating, he had reached a crossroads and had to decide on what to do next with regards to occupation. So on the surface this seems like a non-dependable thing, but what I saw was that he was taking active steps towards founding a carreer for himself. He'd also been working ever since high school, so I knew he was no schlepper.  It wasn't particularly important to me what profession he chose, as long as he was able to contribute his share to the life we wished to live together.  It's nice to have big dreams, but you also have to work towards achieving them. This is not petty thinking.  Love and romance are all fine and dandy, but you can't eat them and they're certainly not enough to finance an annual vacation abroad. Love and romance alone won't even finance a tent at a campsite.

On that note, he also had to be dependable emotionally-- contribute psychologically to the kind of lifestyle we wish to live. Family first, that kind of thing.

There were other things I learned to look for along the way like the guy's relationship with his family and if I could handle his moods. We all have moods, but not everyone can respect the way other people experience them. I was dating a really nice guy for a while who was really the perfect boyfriend.  He wrote poems, brought me really thoughtful gifts, made me dinner-- everything. He also had a good job future ahead of him and had a great relationship with his family.  But I had to break up with him when I realized that I just wasn't able to be nice to him in the way he needed. He would get anxious in ways that really bugged me.  I wasn't abe to cope with these episodes, as minor and brief as they were.

Mutual respect is also incredibly important.  It's not necessary for someone to be at the top of their profession or the most, best, finest of anythign in particular for you to think well of them. You should also feel that the other person thinks well of you.

If any of these conditions were not met, I wouldn't even have dated someone.  Two or three meetings are enough to establish these facts wihout falling in love. Why waste the time and energy of love and a relationship on someone you're eventually going to break up with?

Getting There

One of my unstated yet subconsciously understood lifetime goals was always to get married and have kids. I'm probably no different in this way than a vast majority of the population. For some lucky few, a first boy/girl friend or high-school sweetheart becomes a lifelong loving relationship, however, most of us are well past that point. I didn't start to date the man I was to marry until I was well in to what you would call 'marriageable age' (you can define that by the community you identify with), and getting to the point where I could recognize someone who was right for me took a lot of learning and some major setbacks.

It didn't have to be that way. Well, in some ways it did. Because of my obstinate personality, i didn't allow anyone to give me advice about who I should or shouldn't be dating, or how to go about it. I'm someone who has to learn my own lessons and do things my own way. Call it foolish pride, but that's the way I am. And so after a lot of trial and even more error, I picked up a little bit of wisdom. I also observed people in good relationships and asked about their courtships. Slowly, I came to learn how to separate the wheat from the chaff, as it were.